Jace 'n' Place: Reflections

Coffee Or Cup

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 00:25:22 GMT

The ever-likeable Professor Lim Siow Yong wishes his students a great *mugging* month ahead! I miss going to his tutorials some time back; he is really good in interacting with us and is an extremely warmly person to boot! =p

He reminded (yet again!), "Maybe I have sent this before….GOOD to read again. Really must concentrate on study now….."

"The happiest people in the world are not those who have no problems, but those who learn to live with things that are less than perfect."

* A group of graduates, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor.
* Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
* Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
* When all the students had a cup of coffee, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the simple and cheap ones.
* While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
* Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee.
* In most cases, it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.
* What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... Then you began eyeing each other's cups.
* Now consider this:

Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups.
They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us. Enjoy your coffee!

* The happiest people don't have the best of everything..
* They just make the best of everything.

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

* You are the miracle, my friend;
* Your life either shines a light OR casts a shadow!
* Shine a light & Enjoy the Coffee!!!

"Live every day with enjoyment..... we don't know what tomorrow will give".

Regards

Siow Yong

That's Life

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 17:25:21 GMT

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

By Robert Frost

Sometimes, Life just throws up circumstances that are unfathomable, out of the blue and beyond control. I have to quietly ask myself, "Why must this happen?", and more often than not, I could not come up with a reason. Do I blame it on fate? That will be an excuse to pin a blame on something. I realize I might be losing people dear to me, dreams that were once parts of me while an austere future starts taking shape. It will be better to accept the circumstances that I cannot change calmly and focus on the positives, and take the less trodden path with no regrets. These are words that come up in my mind when I need to find my peace within;

"Let it avail what it may, come what may"

- Let whatever events crop up come to pass (ref).

"C'est la vie"

- That's life. An acceptance of the unpredictable fortunes of existence, often spoken with an air of weary resignation (ref).

"The serenity prayer"

- God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other (ref).

"The road less traveled"

- Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters (ref).

"Luck"

- A lucky person fires an arrow in the air, and where it lands, they draw a target. 'Oh, look,' they say, 'another target' (ref).

And my favourite Calvin and Hobbes shall have a say too:

"Persistence"

Too Old To Make New Friends

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 00:25:28 GMT

Another lovely article by Sumiko Tan that we could all relate with. It is the whole article that resonates, that sets the tone, and hence, there are no excerpts that I could single out to make this post a shorter one. I think she wrote this before 2003, and is a very good read on friendship:

SUNNY, one of my dearest friends at work, will leave The Straits Times next month for greener pastures. He is not my first friend from the office to say goodbye.
Over the years, there have been a handful of colleagues who became friends. In recent times, at least three others have also left. When Sunny told me that he was leaving, I moaned: 'With you gone, I will have hardly any friends left in the office!' Which set me thinking: At what point does an acquaintance or colleague become a friend? And, to take a step back, what is this concept called 'friendship' anyway? Indeed, what makes you click with one person and form a friendship with him, but not some other?
If a friend is defined as someone I feel completely comfortable calling up at 3 am to bail me out of trouble - and Sunny will do so - then, alas, I don't have that many friends. Other than family members, I can count on just one female friend and three, at best four, male friends.
But then, maybe that's plenty. As someone once said, one friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible. FRIENDSHIPS are different from relationships - and thank goodness for that. You can be great chums with your partner, of course, but a relationship is so much more complex. It is not only about that enrapturing feeling called love, but - if you are unlucky - also a host of murky emotions like jealousy, resentment, anger, pain and despair.
Friendship is simpler and fills you, mostly, with harmless Type B emotions - kindliness, fondness, warmth and cordiality. With a lover, you make demands and have expectations. But with a friend, you're cool. You don't really owe him anything, or have to explain much, because, ultimately, you demand nothing more from each other than pleasant company and an occasional listening ear.
Love, I read somewhere, is blind, but friendship closes its eyes. How true.
THE older I get, the more I value friends. Yet, ironically, I find that it is now not only harder for me to maintain old friendships, but also to form new ones.

When I was in school, friendships came naturally. My friends and I moved in a pack - we ate, studied, gossiped and partied together. We exchanged secrets and gifts, sent cards and gave treats. Our friendships were firm, and sweet.
Coming from an all-girls school, I didn't get to make male friends until I was in junior college. Initial shyness aside, I found that it was possible to have a platonic relationship with a guy, and that they made equally good friends.
By the time I went to university, I was already attached, and had little time to make new friends, male or female.
Then came working life. Through sheer proximity and the amount of time spent together, it was inevitable that some colleagues became more than co workers.
What is it that allows you to become friends with some people, and not others? Shared experience is one requisite, and the sharper it is, the better. For Sunny and I, it was our years spent pounding the same beat, politics.
That X factor called 'chemistry' is another, and I suppose this explains how you can be firm friends with people who are very different from you. THE saddest thing about friendship is that it can die. It doesn't come with a lifelong guarantee.
Distance is one killer. Unless you are diligent in keeping in touch with a friend, being far away can drive a wedge in your relationship.
Changes in circumstance is another. It has been said that a friend in power is a friend lost, and I have found this to be true. When a friend moves up in life, he will become too busy for you, while you don't want to risk rejection by trying to keep in contact with him. Marriages have also caused friendships to fade as your spouse might not take to your friends. Then there are friendships that die because they have simply run their course.

I had a close female friend whom I had known since we were both 17. About four years back, after 16 years of keeping in touch through the mail, long hours on the phone and giggly lunches, our friendship died. Just like that. There was no quarrel, no disagreement, no underlying unhappiness or animosity or hurts. The plug was just pulled. The last time we saw each other was at lunch - in fact, it was to celebrate her birthday. We were our usual loud selves. After the meal, we gave our usual hug, said our usual cheery goodbyes and made our usual promise to meet again.
We didn't call each other for weeks (which was normal, as we were both busy), then months (which began to feel a bit strange, but nothing to be alarmed about), then, yes, years (by then, it was too late to resuscitate the friendship).
We did talk once, last year, when my father died and she called. I was grateful to hear from her and I know it took a lot for her to pick up the phone after so many years.
I wish nothing but the best for her, and am always glad to hear from mutual friends that she is well. Yet, I know that if we were to bump into each other today, it would feel awkward.

IF I value friendship so much, why don't I just go forth and make more friends?
It is easier said than done. People my age and older are busy with careers and family. I have fewer things in common with those younger. But the fault is mine. At my age, I lack the energy and enthusiasm. Starting and maintaining a friendship might be far less arduous than a relationship, but it still requires effort. Do I have the strength for that on top of the other demands in my life?
So, next month, I say goodbye to Sunny and I am left with one friend fewer at work.
British writer Virginia Woolf once said: 'I have lost friends, some by death - others by sheer inability to cross the street.'
Should I spot Sunny - and my few remaining friends - on the street, I trust I can muster the energy to walk up to them and say 'hi'.
For, really, that is all it takes to keep a friendship alive.

Let Go Of Yesterday

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 06:01:05 GMT

I received this forwarded email way back in 2002. And till today, I still find it very meaningful in learning how to love and let go. Many of you may have read this before but it is always nice to recap:

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you love but the man who loves you more.

The best lovers are those who are capable of loving from a distance, far enough to allow the other person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that is kept in your heart.

Do not let the bitterness lure away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness comes only with open acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions.

The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still un-rewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well.

Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow: If you lose love that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry, if you have to, but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

Albert Einstein

"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."

"Only a life lived for others is the life worthwhile."

Wong Li Lin

"I think it's very important for all women to be strong and solid themselves and have (the same kind of) foundation with their partner. Everything else can be developed, whether it's a sense of romanticism or a taste for the finer things in life."

Darling No More

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 06:00:18 GMT

Love is not all; it is not meat nor drink nor slumber nor a roof against the rain, nor yet a floating spar to men that sink, and rise and sink, and rise and sink again... With the divorce rate in Singapore hitting the roof last year, there will invariably be concerns over the changing mindset of our generation over the notion of love. Sumiko Tan delved into the realm of statistics and hormones to come up with an introspective article which will surely give everyone a little something to ponder:

Excerpts

The thing about love I've found (yes, even though I've not been married) is that familiarity does breed contempt or at least boredom, and you've really got to work to keep the feeling going.
Little things about your partner that were sweet in the beginning inevitably start to sour once you've past the love-sick stage.
Yes, it was cute how he was as exuberant as a puppy when you first met, but, goodness, isn't he turning out to be loud and boorish now? And while her whining was endearing in the beginning, after years of it you just wish she'd shut up a bit.
Little annoyances can accumulate to make you explode. Lucky are the couples who can accept the irritating traits of their partners (no one is perfect after all, and neither are you) and continue loving them.
But for some, love has a use-by date, even if it was 'true love'.
Just as friendship between platonic friends can outlive itself, so, too, can long-term romantic love.
I used to think that no matter how much a person disappoints you, it can be overcome if you just focus on the love and relationship.
But I've found that love can and does die, although die may be too melodramatic a word. It's more a case of love fading, like the ink from the pages of an old diary, or the image in an aged photo.
It disappears for a variety of reasons.
The cause can be sensational such as when a partner does something that hurts and deceives you.
More often though, the reasons are prosaic, like over-familiarity, boredom and benign neglect. And with the first-stage lust long gone, the love is quickly spent and you just aren't into each other anymore.
It's very sad, and the greater tragedy if it is only one half of the couple who has lost the feeling.
Still, to have loved and lost - lost in the sense of losing that love you once held so dear in your heart, and lost as in losing your loved one to someone or something else - must surely be better than to have never loved at all...
By Sumiko Tan, Nov 18, 2007

Full Article: Darling, I don't love you anymore (pdf)

A Journey To Treasure

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 14:28:15 GMT

<珍惜与你走每一里路的人>

Quote

心里悄悄地希望每一里路都有许多好友热热闹闹地
快快乐乐地一起走，彼此互相帮补，流泪时互相拥抱鼓励
但是这好想还是一个奢侈的梦
每一里都有人选择休息片刻
每一里都有人选择离开走别条路
也有人选择继续与你同行
有人愿意更多分担更多分享
每一里路或许有不同的人同行
这每一里都是宝贵的旅程
用心珍惜这每一里路
神没有应许宝贵的朋友们时时同行
祂却应许每一里祂都与我们同行
祂没有应许每一步都是鸟语花香、路径平坦
但祂应许每一步都充满能力、带著祝福
我～珍惜每一里路与我同行的人
珍惜到不敢停下来，
因为怕会为没有同行的人伤心难过
所以，我只能一直往前走
因为有一天走到终点时，大家可以在永恒里相聚！

.`·.¸¸.☁‧: From Pastor Yu via Christy and many thanks :‧☁,.¸¸.·´.

A Sense Of Patience

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 11:05:46 GMT

今天阿姨拿了早报周刊给我，就随意翻阅了几面。偶然在“鳄鱼家族生活小品”的专栏里读到了一个很有意义的故事：

Quote

《乌鸦》

一位80岁的老翁和他45岁并受过高深教育的儿子一同坐在客厅里。突然，有一只乌鸦停在窗边。

父亲问儿子：“那是什么？”
儿子回答：“那是乌鸦。”
几分钟后，父亲第二次问儿子：“那是什么?”
儿子回答：“爸，刚才告诉你了，那是只乌鸦。”
又过了一会儿，父亲再问儿子第三次：“那是什么？”
儿子不耐烦的回答：“那是只乌鸦，乌鸦，乌鸦。”
没多久，父亲又再问儿子第四次：“那是什么？”

这次儿子咆哮道：“爸，你为什么老是问我同样的问题？我已经告诉你很多次了，那是只乌鸦，你还不懂？”
一阵尴尬的寂静过了，父亲走回房间，拿了本旧的记事簿。他翻了一番，找出了某一页，要他的儿子读。记事簿里写着：
今天，我和三岁大的小儿子一同坐在客厅里。有一只乌鸦忽然停在客窗边。好奇的他睁着大眼睛，问了足足23次“那是什么”。奇怪的是，我没因为他不断重复的问同一个问题而觉得反感。本能的父爱让我轻拥他在怀里，为我这个好学的儿子一次又一次解答他的疑问。
我们的父母亲有一天也会老去，我们应该为他们着想，给他们多点关心，跟他们相处时要用多一份耐心。
`·.¸¸.☁‧:文：黄诗婷:‧☁,.¸¸.·´

`·.¸¸.☁‧: From Sze Haw :‧☁,.¸¸.·´

What Motivates You?

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 15:40:14 GMT

When work becomes a drag, find what motivates you (or what to avoid)…

Work can be a drag.

I am sure the average Singaporean will agree. Your first job experience makes you euphoric, especially when you see that first pay cheque. Subsequently, however, it starts to wear you down because of internal and external pressures.The pleasant feelings pass and gradually, work becomes simply a necessary evil to exist - a chore. You do it to pay the bills. When the monotony becomes overwhelming, we start craving something else to give us a bigger high. This usually leads to a search for a new job and then the cycle repeats itself.

It is hardly bewildering news, especially here in Singapore, where even the young are not spared of this phenomenon. Just last weekend, I witnessed groups of primary school-goers at a fast-food joint practising mock exam questions. Their hands were going about frenetically - switching from shoving food into their mouths, wiping it down and pushing stationery at blinding speed. They repeated the process of eating, writing and asking for answers for the full 30 minutes I was observing. Eventually, one stood up and exclaimed quite loudly, 'I can't stand it already la!' This might seem like a one-off complaint but eventually, I am sure that they will quite quickly start to complain about their curriculum being mundane.

In today's world, we need to work hard. Diligence will always be one of the keys to any country's economic success. Cities and empires are built with moving limbs, not stationary butts. Yet, as we shall see, simply working hard isn't enough when the heart is in the wrong place. Not when it becomes such a drag that many suffer from consequences such as depression and loss of interest in life.

I asked a senior professor - former dean of the NUS business school - recently for his opinion about this phenomenon. It appears there is a simple answer to the problem of work becoming drudgery.

Internal Motivation

The difference lies in the source of their motivation.

This is the key to differentiating between those who work hard to build themselves up and those who simply go through the motions. Self-motivated individuals treat work as an extension of themselves. Their work becomes a part of who they are and they learn to enjoy it. This makes their diligence sustainable, like a steady fire.

External motivations for working really hard, on the other hand, are more like flashes in the pan. “Those who are motivated by external factors, like peer pressure and simply wanting to get ahead, often burn out really quickly,” he said. This probably makes them prime candidates for problems such as depression when they tire out from pushing so hard.

My peers agree. One of them, a banking officer, said that it all becomes ‘an annoyance after a while, especially if you are only motivated to earn more money than your peers. Those who can motivate themselves, however, prove themselves and are the ones who end up earning more money'. Another mentioned that he used to work because he was addicted to the high that money got him. 'I would spend my pay cheque and say to myself, “This is what you work hard for'. It was all good in the beginning. After a while, though, I thought all I seemed to be living for was the next iPod or iPhone. Then it just became tedious to get up everyday and perform in the office.”

Judging by these responses, it appears that motivation source is the lynchpin in the eventual making or breaking of an industrious worker. Sure, there are other factors involved. But the right motivation is the first step to dulling the monotony of work and keeping one's sanity in the competitive world.

As a student, I found this to be true. So the next time you find yourself vexing over your job, consider what is really motivating you to keep at it. You just might find what's written here true too.

By Johan Wong (TNP Columnist)

October 19, 2007

Life's Journey On A Bus

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 13:30:00 GMT

๑۩ 很特别的人生比喻 ۩๑

我们知道它有起点和终点，却无法预知沿途的经历...

☆╮◕‿◕ ~ 彩虹の心語 ♡≈☼≈♡音樂の星空 ~ ◕‿◕╭ ☆

Hold Your Loved Ones Close Today

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 12:38:13 GMT

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two
to stop and say "I love you", instead of assuming you would know I do.

But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,
and today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day,
that you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss,
and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear.
Take time to say "I'm sorry," "please forgive me", "thank you" or "it's okay".
And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

*A beautiful poem written in 1989 by Norma Cornett Marek, who sadly passed away after a long fight with cancer on July 17, 2004. She wrote this as a tribute to her beloved child whom she lost, in the hope that it would cause people to never be careless, or too busy to let their loved ones know they love them. This was also written into a song by singer/songwriter Ray Paquet (Ref: BreakTheChain.org). Thanks Zhuangbin, for the nice email some time back =)

Between Suffering And Happiness

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 16:06:55 GMT

最苦与最乐【梁启超】

人生什么事最苦呢？贫吗？不是。失意吗？不是。老吗？死吗？都不是。我说人生最苦的事，莫苦于身上背着一种未了的责任。人若能知足，虽贫不苦；若能安分（不多作分外希望），虽然失意不苦；老、死乃人生难免的事，达观的人看得很平常，也不算什么苦。独是凡人生在世间一天，便有一天应该的事。该做的事没有做完，便像是有几千斤重担子压在肩头，再苦是没有的了。为什么呢？因为受那良心责备不过，要逃躲也没处逃躲呀！

答应人办一件事没有办，欠了人的钱没有还，受了人的恩惠没有报答，得罪了人没有赔礼，这就连这个人的面也几乎不敢见他；纵然不见他的面，睡里梦里，都像有他的影子来缠着我。为什么呢？因为觉得对不住他呀！因为自己对他的责任，还没有解除呀！不独是对于一个人如此，就是对于家庭、对于社会、对于国家，乃至对于自己，都是如此。凡属我受过他好处的人，我对于他便有了责任。凡属我应该做的事，而且力量能够做得到的，我对于这件事便有了责任。凡属我自己打主意要做一件事，便是现在的自己和将来的自己立了一种契约，便是自己对于自己加一层责任。有了这责任，那良心便时时刻刻监督在后头，一日应尽的责任没有尽，到夜里头便是过的苦痛日子；一生应尽的责任没有尽，便死也带着苦痛往坟墓里去。

这种苦痛却比不得普通的贫困老死，可以达观排解得来。所以我说人生没有苦痛便罢，若有苦痛，当然没有比这个加重的了。

翻过来看，什么事最快乐呢？自然责任完了，算是人生第一件乐事。古语说得好：「如释重负」；俗语亦说是：「心上一块石头落了地」。人到这个时候，那种轻松愉快，直是不可以言语形容。责任越重大，负责的日子越久长，到责任完了时，海阔天空，心安理得，那快乐还要加几倍哩！大抵天下事从苦中得来的乐才算真乐。人生须知道有负责任的苦处，才能知道有尽责任的乐处。这种苦乐循环，便是这有活力的人间一种趣味。却是不尽责任，受良心责备，这些苦都是自己找来的。一翻过去，处处尽责任，便处处快乐；时时尽责任，便时时快乐。快乐之权，操之在己。孔子所以说：「无入而不自得」，正是这种作用。

然则为什么孟子又说：「君子有终身之忧」呢？因为越是圣贤豪杰，他负的责任越是重大；

而且他常要把这种种责任来揽在身上，肩头的担子从没有放下的时节。曾子还说哩：「任重而道远」，「死而后已，不亦远乎？」那仁人志士的忧民忧国，那诸圣诸佛的悲天悯人，虽说他是一辈子感受苦痛，也都可以。但是他日日在那里尽责任，便日日在那里得苦中真乐，所以他到底还是乐，不是苦呀！

有人说：「既然这苦是从负责任而生的，我若是将责任卸却，岂不是就永远没有苦了吗？」这却不然，责任是要解除了才没有，并不是卸了就没有。人生若能永远像两三岁小孩，本来没有责任，那就本来没有苦。到了长成，责任自然压在你的肩头上，如何能躲？不过有大小的分别罢了。尽得大的责任，就得大快乐；尽得小的责任，就得小快乐。你若是要躲，倒是自投苦海，永远不能解除了。

최고의 고통과 최고의 즐거움 양계초【김옥경】

인생에서 가장 고통스러운 것은 무엇일까? 가난? 아니다. 뜻을 이루지 못한 것? 아니다. 늙는 것? 죽는 것? 모두 아니다. 인생에서 가장 고통스런 운 것은, 해결하지 못한 책임을 등에 지고 있는 것이다. 사람이 만약 능히 분수를 지켜 만족할 줄 안다면, 가난하여도 고통스럽지 않을 것이고 만약 본분을 지킬 줄 안다면, 비록 뜻을 이루지 못하여도 고통스럽지 않을 것이다 늙고, 죽는 것은 여전히 인생에서 면하기 어려운 일로, 달관한 사람은 매우 평범하게 여길 것이기에 이 또한 고통이라고 하기 어렵다. 홀로 평범하게 세간에 태어난 그날처럼, 또 다른 그날이(죽는 날) 있는 것도 당연한 일이기 때문이다. 해야 할 일을 다 완성하지 못한 것은, 몇 천근의 부담(책임)이 어깨를 누른 것과 같으니, 그 위에 더한 고통은 없는 것이다. 왜 그럴까? 그것은 양심의 가책을 느껴서, 도피하려고 해도 도피할 곳이 없기 때문이다.

어떤 사람의 일을 해주기로 약속했는데, 하지 못했을 때, 사람의 돈을 빌렸는데, 갚지 못했을 때, 사람의 은혜를 받았는데, 보답을 못했을 때, 사람에게 죄를 지었는데, 사죄를 하지 못했을 때, 설사 그 사람의 얼굴을 보지 않는다고 하여도, 꿈속에서 그 사람과 같은 그림자가 나에게 달라붙고 있을 것이다. 왜 그럴까? 그 사람에게 미안하기 때문이다. 그 사람에 대한 자신의 책임을 아직 다 해결하지 못했기 때문이다. 사람에게만 이러는 것이 아니라, 가정, 사회, 국가, 심지어는 자신에게 조차 모두 이와 같은 이치이다. 또한, 내가 그 사람에게 도움을 받으면, 곧 나는 그 사람에게 책임이 생기게 되는 것이다. 무릇 내가 해야 할 일을, 또한 할 수 있는 역량을 가지고 있다면, 그 일에 관하여 책임이 생기는 것이다. 무릇 내 스스로 이 일을 해야겠다고 마음을 먹은 것은(결정한 것은), 바로 현재의 자신과 미래의 자신과의 일종의 약속인 것이다. 바로 자신이 자신에게 책임을 더 주는 것이다. 이런 책임이 생기면, 양심이 그 뒤에서 시시각각 감독하고, 하루해야 할 책임에 진력을 다하지 않으면, 밤이 되어 고통스러울 것이다. 태어나서 진력을 다해야 할 책임에 진력을 다하지 않으면, 죽어서도 고통이 무덤까지 따라갈 것이다.

이러한 고통은 오히려 일반적으로 달관하여 해결 가능한 가난, 늙음, 죽음과 비교할 수 없다. 그래서 인생에서 고통의 끝은 없는 것이다. 만약 고통이 있어도 이런 것보다 더 무거울 수는 없는 것이다. 반대로, 어떤 일이 가장 즐거운 것인가? 자연스럽게 책임을 다하면, 이것이 인생의 첫 번째 즐거운 일일 것이다. 이에 적절한 격언으로: 여석중부(무거운 짐을 벗어 버리다); 속담으로는 '마음의 돌덩어리 하나가 땅에 떨어졌다'. 사람은 책임을 다할 때, 마음은 매우 가볍고 즐거우며, 말로 그 즐거운 마음을 다 형용하기 어렵다. 책임이 점점 무거워지면, 책임에 대한 날들이 또한 점점 길어지고, 책임을 다했을 때, 스스로 만족하고, 그 즐거움은 몇 배가 더하게 된다.

인생에 책임감이라는 괴로운 것이 있다는 것을 알아야, 비로소 진력을 다해 책임을 마친 후의 즐거운 것이 또한 기다리고 있다는 것을 알게 되는 것이다. 이러한 고통과 즐거움은 순환하는 것이며, 곧 이러한 활력이 세상의 묘미인 것이다. 오히려 책임에 전력을 다하지 않으면, 양심의 가책을 느끼고, 이러한 고통 모두 자기가 가져오는 것이다. 도처에 책임을 다하면, 곧 도처에 즐거움이 있는 것이다. 항상 책임을 다하면, 곧 항상 즐거움이 따르는 것이다. 즐거움의 권리는 자신이 어떻게 하는가에 달려 있다. 그래서 공자가 말하기를: 무입이불자득(들어가서 자기 스스로 터득하지 않는 일이 없다.), 바로 이것이 그러한 작용이니라. 그렇다면 맹자는 왜: 군자유종신지우(군자는 평생 근심을 지닌다)라고 말했을까? 성현, 호걸일수록 그들의 책임은 더욱 무겁기 때문이다 또한, 그는 항상 이러한 책임을 몸에 안고 있어야 하며, 어깨에 눌려진 책임을 내려놓은 적이 없었다. 증자 또한 말하기를: 임중도원(맡은 바 책임은 무겁고 갈 길은 아직도 멀다),사이후이, 부역원호(죽을 때 그만두니, 어찌 멀지 않겠는가?), 그 인인지사(대중을 위해 몸 바치는 사람들)들의 나라와 백성을 걱정하는 마음이, 성인과 부처가 세상을 비탄하고 백성의 질고를 불쌍히 여기는 마음이, 비록 평생 감당해야할 고통이라고 말했지만, 또한 가능한 것이다. 그러나 그가 하루하루 그곳에 책임을 다하면, 곧 하루하루 고통 속에서 진정한 즐거움이 있으니, 그것이 도대체 즐거움인지, 아니면 고통인지!

어떤 사람이 말하기를: 이렇게 된 바에야 이러한 고통이 책임감으로 생기는 거라면, 내가 만약 곧 책임을 벗으면, 곧 영원히 고통이 없어진단 말인가? 이것은 오히려 그렇지 않다. 책임은 풀어야 비로소 없어지는 것이지, 벗는다고 없어지는 것은 아니다. 인생이 만약 영원히 2,3살 아이 같다면, 처음부터 책임은 없는 것이며, 그러면 처음부터 고통 또한 존재하지 않게 되는 것이다. 어른이 되어, 책임은 자연스럽게 어깨를 누르게 되면, 어떻게 피할 것인가? 단지 크고 작음의 차이일 뿐이다. 진력을 다한 큰 책임은, 곧 큰 즐거움을 얻게 되며, 진력을 다한 작은 책임은 곧 작은 즐거움을 얻게 되는 것이다. 만약 당신이 피하려고만 한다면, 오히려 고통을 자초하는 것이며, 영원히 벗어 날 수 없을 것이다.

Mayonnaise Jar, Coffee And Life

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 10:44:26 GMT

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

`•.¸¸.☁‧: A sweet email from Sze Hao :‧☁,.¸¸.•´

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Positives In Disappointment

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 10:40:52 GMT

Quote

失望，有時候也是一種幸福，
因為有所期待，所以才會失望，
因為有愛，才會有期待，
所以縱使失望，也是一種幸福，雖然這種幸福有點痛。
承諾，是一生一世的，如果沒有打算就不要誇下海口。
魚對水說：你看不見我的眼淚，因為我住在水裡。
也許，瞬間的幸福才是妳得到的。
眼淚是鹹鹹的，幸福是甜蜜的。

`·.¸¸.☁‧: 看！朵琳在說話！ :‧☁,.¸¸.·´

Sometimes We Just Need To H.A.L.T.

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 05:49:00 GMT

A telling article that relates personally to a lot of us. ^^

Of course, the rain didn't help. Or maybe it was an impending birthday. But trudging through a round of chores on a recent Sunday, picking up this and that, I began to feel unaccountably sad. By the time I got to Ngee Ann City - my last stop - I felt emotionally raw, skinned like an overripe plum. And then, as it always seems to do when you are at your most vulnerable, things began to pile up. A salesgirl was, even by Singapore standards, hideously rude. The crowds seemed especially aggressive, with more pushing and shoving than usual. Other faces that came out of the crowd also seemed horribly sad. The level of noise - music, shouting, kids screaming - became painful.

In short, I was close to losing it.

But before I could lose it, whatever it was, I applied a piece a wisdom I was given over 20 years ago. It was a piece of wisdom that, if you can remember to use it, literally can save you and those around you a lot of heartache. It's very simple and easy to remember and here it is:

When you are too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely, too Tired: H.A.L.T. Stop what you are doing and attend to yourself.

If you haven't eaten - and eating plays a big role in our mental weather - eat something, preferably something nutritious, but something.

If you are too lonely, call a friend, meet up for a coffee, reconnect with the people who care about you. The next two are harder.

If you are tired, you need to sleep, but sleep is as hard to come by in Singapore as free rubies on Orchard Road are.

I know of people who can nap for 10 minutes and wake up refreshed, but I'm not one of them. Lately, I've fallen asleep sitting up, at work no less. Or if I do get a nap, I can't get up again.

Maybe meditation or a walk somewhere green and relatively quiet will do.

Anger is a big one. It tends to escalate and a little thing can trigger a monumental explosion. I get angry because I am sad, on the edge, stressed or insecure. Sometimes I think it's because the people around me are also stressed and insecure and it seems to spread.

Most of us can't afford to just take the rest of the day off and lie down, but we can and should give ourselves breaks...

`·.¸¸.☁‧: By Joanna Hughes (TNP Columnist) :‧☁,.¸¸.·´

Read further

Healing the World With Kloudiia

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 05:22:42 GMT

I came across this TNP article about Kloudiia Tay while skimming through the pages during a dinner break at work. The most captivating part is the commitment and effort this vibrant lady put in to fulfil her goals in life - to pursue her passions in dating and writing by being a devoted "Dating Specialist" online. Above all the complexities of love and relationship, this simple sentence quoted from her resonates the most in my mind:

♡ Happily married couples usually share many interests ♡

People in love go through many defining moments in bliss, adversity and solace; falling in and out of love through strong emotions of attachment and estrangment, and even wind up in a endless cycle of dating and rejection. And soon, one will lose the inherent simplicity of being in love with each other. Discovering life-long interests that both will truly share * till death do us part / 죽음이 우리를 갈라놓을 때까지 / 死が我らを分かつまで * should be one of the key guiding principles in choosing to live your life with the other half.

Quote

Sharing experiences together do not necessarily mean you have to remove yourselves physically away from home and work, it can happen anywhere, even in domestic settings. Fixing up a furniture for example, piecing a super size mega jigsaw puzzle all contribute by bits and pieces to the crediting of assets into your memory bank - Kloudiia

I am deeply impressed by the extent in which Kloudiia thoughtfully addresses the relationship issues posted to her on her blog in a professional yet heartfelt way, especially from an Asian perspective. Moreover, extensive information on love and dating can be found on her impressive one-year old webby, such as this article on "How To Know If A Relationship Is Healthy". I wish her well in her pursuit of her dreams, as well as her upcoming book ^^

Do give her webby a visit, especially if you need a little help from our very own agony aunt :p

Between Good Friends

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 13:42:41 GMT

好朋友

发表者: 暮依寒

懂得心领神会才算好朋友？
我觉得朋友就是因为抱有这种想法才会失去联络的...
你可能一天抱有这种想法
就有可能一年有这种想法

什麽都不说，什麽都懒得说
於是当你回过头来想和你好朋友聊聊时
他已经和你相隔千里了
他或许不再是你所认识的他了
他就像是个陌生人般
於是，你生命中的好友
就这样又少一个了......

我觉得分享是快乐的
分享你生命中快乐的事
分享你生命中难过的事
分享你生命一切的一切
之後，你会发现
分享也是一种获得.....

阅读全文

Peeling An Onion

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 13:37:10 GMT

A very interesting and thought-provoking post written by Marcus :

Quote

Knowing a person is never easy. It depends on how much you want to find out and how much that person is willing to divulge and reveal about themselves. Sometimes it also depends on the interests level. The more interested you are, the more innate energy you will have to peel open the layers of mysteries.
After you peel open few layers, some may feel motivated to find out more. Some may be appalled at what they have found out and progress decline. While peeling, it may be essential for the “peeler” to be mentally prepared for whatever is installed ahead. Nevertheless we all understand that no happen how much you prepare yourself, the unforeseen will still happen and we have to be prepared for crisis or damage management. The outcome may be good or bad, it really depends on how the both parties discuss and reconcile the new discoveries.
Lucky ones may just find your way to the core without many stoppages. Of course, some will say they are not lucky, its just their effort paying off. On the other hand, the not so lucky ones will experience the dark side of the “onion” where maybe even the onion do not know that they are showing the dark side of themselves. Guess its just not meant for that peeler to continue the journey of discovery.
Hence, we can see there is no hard and fast rule that guarantees the smooth pathway to the core of the onion. It takes a lot of unique interaction and friction and de-conflicting to reach the end of the road of final discovery. Nevertheless I guess what is most important here is really the journey to the core of the onion. The amount of effort that you actually put in really marks how memorable this whole journey of discovery will be. Couple with the intent for both parties to enjoy their core together and to be able to laugh and enjoy the remaining years will be excellent.

`·.¸¸.☁‧: From Life is a journey :‧☁,.¸¸.·´

I commented on his post that: "I seem to have a different perspective of core though. Well, I don't know much between couples but for me, I prefer a closely guarded core. People show strength and hide weakness. And I hide most of my weaknesses so I can be strong for others. Most layers can be peeled but the core is shielded. Your last sentence is something I wish for, but concealing my core is my strength to help others. Maybe I see core and innermost feelings differently."

From another perspective, it can be a naivety of mine not to be able to see the true meaning of knowing another person's core in order for happiness to blossom between a couple. Peeling an onion can mean shedding happy tears along the journey of love ^^

Sparks Of Love

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 12:34:34 GMT

✰ 惊喜 ✰

一个女人嫁给了个有钱，无任何不良嗜好的男人，10年后提出离婚，你想得通是为什么吗 ? 我告诉你吧！因为那女人的一生太平静了，太单调了。当她遇到了她从来未有过的“ 惊喜 ”时，她会选择惊喜，放弃平凡。要怪谁？男人？女人？

相反的，一个很顾家的女人，很节俭的女人，家里的家具用了10年也舍不得换，替丈夫买的衣服是在PASAR MALAM 跟人争破头“抢来的LELONG 货，男人在10年后，提出离婚，然后投进另一个很会花钱女人的怀抱，要怪谁 ? 男人？女人？

无论男人或是女人，都要维持着和自己的另一半一起站在高峰上，就算跌到半山也无所谓，重要是别跌到谷底。人人都需要惊喜，“ 老夫老妻 ”，更需要惊喜。如果你不懂得制造惊喜，很对不起，得罪了，你就把机会让给会制造惊喜的人吧。

`·.¸¸.☁‧: From meowmeow_0 :‧☁,.¸¸.·´

PS: 为什么一个坚持"사랑안해"的我，总是会在自己的空间放些跟"사랑해요"有关的东西呢？真是奇怪的一个人。。。。也许是经验，过去的经历，或为了警惕未来的自己吧。惊喜在幸福然而曲折的爱情道路上是无比的重要，跟家人和朋友也是息息相关的。惊喜不必每次大费周张，日常小小的主动和一颗真诚的心也能打动对方的欢心。 =)

A Soul Mate

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 12:09:54 GMT

你是吗？

Alone Or Together

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 11:05:38 GMT

♂ 男左❤女右 ♀

Drawings Of Life

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 10:49:55 GMT

在网上偶然阅读到一份很有意义的文章。简看像是针对社会的评论，但写法优美，想把开头跟大家分享：

人生好比一幅画。我们来到人世间，所迈出的每一个步伐、每一次的欢笑、每一次的哭泣，就好比在洁白的纸上留下的一笔笔色彩，最终绘出了自己的人生之画。这幅画精彩也好，平淡也罢都难于更改，它存在于这世间，是绝无仅有的那份唯一。
人生好比一幅画。只是有的人被美色蒙住了眼睛，有的人被金钱攫住了心灵，有的人又太过无知和轻信，而绘出了一幅黑暗的人生之画。。。
(来源：龙南县地方税务局作者：黄文章刘萍)

在Christy 的网站也有一系列富有独特感觉的韩国插画, 看着看着，不时停下来，联想图画究竟想传达的感觉是什么。绝对值的一看:

See Photo Album

Building Blocks For A Deep Friendship

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 08:16:06 GMT

Sometimes, when I am not doing well in life, I have a tendency to avoid my friends, to stay away, to keep to myself. Only to show myself on the increasingly few occasions when the clouds break, when the heart is clear and the smile is true. After reading this article, it becomes even more apparent to me that I am inevitably building a wall to close myself off. I hope to bury my past in a cave of silence but I am not even sure how much time I need. My greatest fear is... I am probably losing more and more friends this way.

Sze Haw's emails have always brighten up my life a little here and there over the years, and this is another heartwarming mail from him that I hope to share with you. The passages below are taken from Charles Stanley's book "Walking Wisely" published in 2002.

What Damage the Relationship?

The foremost way to damage any relationship is simply to undo or tear down one or more of the building blocks identified above. Relationships are impaired or harmed when:

You stop spending time together.
You stop talking to each other.
You become reluctant to share your sorrows and your joys.
You stop crying together and laughing together.
You no longer express your thanks or do thoughtful things for each other.
You become increasingly critical of each other - less and less tolerant of each other's errors, less appreciative of each other's efforts, less accepting of each other's weaknesses.
You stop touching each other with warmth and tender affection.
You build a wall and no longer share your life freely with each other - one or both of you hold things back and conceal your motives, feelings and thoughts. One or both of you lie to each other - not only about what you are doing, but what you are thinking and feeling with regard to your relationship.
You stop trusting each other.

8 Building Blocks

Deep, constant, godly friendships don't just "happen", they are built. Here are eight essential building blocks required:

1. TIME

You must be willing to spend time with your friends. I must admit, I probably have lost some friends through the years because I have said, "I don't have time," when they invited me to go places or share experiences with them. The more honest truth is I didn't choose to make the time. We all tend to make time for the things we want to do. We must also make time for the relationships we desire to have.

When we don't have time for our friends, we likely aren't valuing our friends as we should. We also must be aware that we have only so much time in life, and we likely have only the necessary time for a handful of genuine deep friendships. That does not mean we can't have more casual friendships - but for a truly deep friendship to develop, time together is a vital ingredient.

2. TALK

A second building block to a good relationship is talk. Conversation is the way you discover more about a person-it is a window through which to peer into another person's heart, mind, soul and spirit. The more you converse with a person and see inside that person, the more you know about the person. And the more you know about a person, the more you love him or her, or perhaps, the more you realize that your friendship is likely to be short-lived. Through the years I've heard countless wives say about their husbands, "I just wish he'd talk to me." The fact is, these wives wanted to know their husbands better. They wanted to know what their husbands were thinking and feeling. When a man doesn't talk to his wife, he puts up a barrier to her understanding him. Husband, take time to talk to your wife. You may not feel a need to talk, but she needs to hear you talk!

When you are with a friend, the topic of your conversation doesn't really matter. I meet regularly on Saturday mornings to have breakfast with three of my buddies. We go to the same restaurant every Saturday. In fact, the restaurant personnel are so accustomed to our coming that they set aside a certain table just for us. These three men are in professions different from mine, but we have many common interests. What do we discuss? Anything and everything. We talk about whatever pops into our minds. Our conversation is free-flowing, easy, and natural. No subject is off-limits; no topic is too trivial or too big. We are open with one another. We are friends.

3. SHARED TEARS AND LAUGHTER

Genuine friends cry together and laugh together. If a person is a genuine friend, you should have no hesitation whatsoever in going to that person when you are hurt, rejected, or disappointed . . . or when you have a triumphant moment! Those who stuff all their emotions, sorrow and joy, do damage to their physical health. We all need the "release" of tears and laughter in order to vent our emotions.

4. EXPRESSED THANKFULNESS

A friend voices thanksgiving for his or her friends. Not too long ago, one of my friends showed up just when I needed someone to talk to about a situation I was facing. I said to him, "You have an uncanny way of showing up just when I need a listening ear and feel the need to pour out my heart. I'm thankful for you in my life. I'm thankful for the direction and wise counsel you give me!" And I am. I have a photographer friend who calls me about once a week. I'm never quite sure where he'll be when he calls--one of his recent calls was from Paris. I can always count on his saying two things to me at some point in the call: "I'm grateful to God for our friendship" and "I love you, brother." To have a friend who will openly and frequently make those two statements is a wonderful thing! If you haven't told a friend lately that you are grateful to God for his presence in your life . . . or if you haven't said, "I love you," to a friend. . . I encourage you to do so.

5. THOUGHTFUL GESTURES

Sometimes the best way to show your appreciation for a friend is to do something for your friend or give something to your friend. The deed or item need not be grandiose or extravagant. Rather, something that conveys the message, "I'm thinking of you. I listen to you. I know what you like - yes, even what you need." A friend takes joy in giving something that he knows his friend desires.

One of my friends is a tremendous giver. He is always sending me something that he thinks I'll enjoy - since he travels a lot and we have a number of common interests, his gifts are always meaningful to me and sometimes rather unusual. As much as I have protested about his gifts to me, he continues to send them. One day he said to me, "I'm just a giver. It's what I do. You can't ever out give me, so don't even try. I get a lot of joy out of giving. Don't rob me of that joy by telling me not to give."

Husband, does your wife like flowers? Surprise her with a bundle of flowers now and then. Giving her something that you know she likes is a way of saying, "I'm glad you're in my life." Similarly, wife, give your husband something every now and then that is a special surprise, which says, "I am glad you're with me."

A woman told me recently what a friend had done for her. This woman had received word that a family of five was on its way to spend a week at her home while they enrolled their daughter in a nearby college. She had shared news of their impending visit with her friend. The next day, that friend showed up with a large casserole and the comment, "I made extra. I thought you might be able to use this." This woman said, "Now that's a friend! She knew exactly what would bless me most on that particular day."

6. TOLERANCE

Friends tolerate the occasional bad mood, the hurtful comment said in haste, or the bad attitude that's the result of being too tired or too stressed out. Sometimes tolerance means putting up with an annoying habit. Sometimes it means cutting that person some slack when he's fifteen minutes late . . . again. Not long ago, I sat and listened to a friend of mine tell a story I've heard so many times I could tell it in detail myself. This man knew I'd heard the story. Everybody else at the table had heard it. But we all listened as if we were listening for the first time. He's our friend.

7. TOUCHING

There's power in appropriate touching between friends. A genuine friend should be someone you feel you can hug, someone you can pat on the back. A while back, I was eating alone in a restaurant, and I noticed that a certain man in the restaurant was giving his waitress a very hard time about something. Rather than respond in a negative manner, she reached out and touched him lightly on the shoulder and said, "I'm sorry . . ." She didn't have to say anything more. The instant she touched him, he melted - his countenance changed and so did the tone of his voice.

Most people are hungry to be touched. It's a sign to them of care, empathy, concern, appreciation, and value. If a person comes to me after a church service and tells me that he's heart broken - perhaps his wife has abandoned their family, he has been left alone with their children, and love, he doesn't know where to turn or what to do - this man doesn't want me to keep my distance and say coldly, "Well, I know God will help you." No. He wants a pastor who will reach out and hug him or put his arm around him and look him in the eye and say, "I hurt for you. I'm going to pray for you and believe for God's best in your life. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you." I am certainly not advocating that you hug every person in sig ht or that you are overly affectionate with casual acquaintances. You must be sensitive to what another person needs and desires - you should touch another person only in a way you know is comfortable for that person. A friend, however, should be someone that you don't think twice about touching when you desire to express pure, nonsexual affection, comfort, or appreciation.

8. TRANSPARENCY

Transparency means not holding deceitful motives, hiding your feelings, or harboring a secret agenda in your dealings with another person. If you are going to develop a genuine friendship with another person, you are going to have to let that person see the real you.

The Sum is LOVE

All of these building blocks add up to one simple four-letter word: love. A person you love is a person you spend time with, talk to, cry with and laugh with, are thankful for, do thoughtful things for, tolerate without complaining, touch with affection, are transparent with, speak the truth to, and trust. The cardinal principle for having a deep, close, godly friend is to be such a friend.

安在旭 - 朋友MV

Wish You Enough

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 13:29:46 GMT

"I wish you enough!"
By Bob Perks

Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you and I wish you enough". The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom".

They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?".

Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?".

"I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said.

"When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?".

She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone". She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them". Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
She then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.

歌曲: 知足歌手: 五月天

怎么去拥有一道彩虹
怎么去拥抱一夏天的风
天上的星星笑地上的人
总是不能懂不能知道足够
如果我爱上你的笑容
要怎么收藏要怎么拥有
如果你快乐不是为我
会不会放手其实才是拥有
当一阵风吹来风筝飞上天空
为了你而祈祷而祝福而感动
终于你身影消失在人海尽头
才发现笑著哭最痛
那天你和我那个山丘
那样的唱著那一年的歌
那样的回忆那么足够
足够我天天都品尝著寂寞
知足的快乐叫我忍受心痛...

listen

In Love?

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 13:16:04 GMT

“How Do I Know If I'm in Love?”
By H. Norman Wright

A couple is sitting in my office for their initial session of premarital counseling. They've come with a mixture of expectations and apprehension, since they've heard the sessions will be very thorough. About halfway through our time together, I ask the man to describe in detail the love he has for his fiancée. After his response, I ask her a question which throws her, since she assumed her question would be the same. The question is, “How do you know that you love him? What convinced you?” Sometimes the responses are complete and full of substance, whereas others are lacking. I've heard remarks like, “Well, I just know that I love him or her. It can't really be explained.” But perhaps it does need to be examined, explained, and even expanded. I've had individuals ask, “How do I know if I'm in love? How can you be sure? And what is love?” All of these are important questions.

How would you describe love? How would you define it? What's the difference between love and infatuation? Is romantic or passionate love necessary in a relationship? And the big question, “How do you know when you're really in love?” Let's consider a few basic facts about love:

Love at first sight is rare. An infatuated attraction may happen immediately, but true love needs time to develop.
Love is NOT consistent. Your emotional response to your spouse will vary over the months, years, and decades of a relationship.
Most individuals can fall in love many times. But the often involuntary physical and emotional attraction of “falling in love” should not be confused with the willful and abiding commitment to love selflessly the person who has captured your heart.
The quality of courtship love will change and deepen in marriage. And each succeeding level of love can be as exciting, rewarding, and fulfilling as the last.
Love in a marriage relationship can diminish and even die. Love must be carefully nurtured and cherished over the years if it is to endure the stress of two imperfect people living together.

I also like what M. Scott Peck says in his book The Road Less Traveled about the illusion that erodes so many marriages today:

To serve effectively as it does to trap us into marriage, the experience of falling in love probably must have as one of its characteristics the illusion that the experience will last forever.... The myth of romantic love tells us, in effect, that for every young man in the world there is a young woman who was “meant for him,” and vice versa. Moreover, the myth implies that there is only one man meant for a woman and only one woman for a man and this has been predetermined “in the stars.” When we meet the person for whom we are intended, recognition comes through the fact that we fall in love. We have met the person for whom all the heavens intended us, and since the match is perfect, we will then be able to satisfy all of each other's needs forever and ever, and therefore live happily ever after in perfect union and harmony. Should it come to pass, however, that we do not satisfy or meet all of each other's needs and friction arises and we fall out of love, then it is clear that a dreadful mistake was made, we misread the stars, we did not hook up with our one and only perfect match, what we thought was love was not real or “true” love, and nothing can be done about the situation except to live unhappily ever after or get divorced.
Love is not something that just happens; it must be cultivated so it can grow.

Friendship Love

What type of love should a couple move toward? Phileo is one kind, and this is friendship love. Whereas romantic love cannot sustain a relationship, companionate or friendship love can. If friendship has not yet been developed in a relationship, marriage is premature. A friend is someone you like to be with. You enjoy their company, you like their personality, you can play and work together. There are shared interests between the two of you. It's not that you are loved only because of what you share, but by sharing you develop a different kind of love. It means companionship, communication, and cooperation. One writer describes companionate love:

This may be defined as a strong bond, including a tender attachment, enjoyment of the other's company and friendship. It is not characterized by wild passion and constant excitement, although these feelings may be experienced from time to time. The main difference between passionate and companionate love is that the former thrives on deprivation, frustration, a high arousal level, and absence. The latter thrives on contact and requires time to develop and mature.
I have seen numerous marriages over the years fall apart because not only was this type of love nonexistent, but the couples also weren't even sure how to develop it. The greater the amount of time a couple can give to a relationship outside of the typical dating process, the more this kind of love can flourish. When phileo or companionate love has developed, couples will have this to stabilize their relationship when the romantic love fades. Unfortunately, some people with certain personality proclivities are almost addicted to the “high” or “excitement” of romantic love. When it diminishes, they fall apart or bail out to seek a new, exciting relationship.

Friendship involves a certain level of intimacy in which there is an openness, a vulnerability, and an emotional connection. You also share goals, plans, and dreams, and work together.

Agape Love

Another form of interpersonal love, agape love, can increase our gratitude as well as our constant awareness and remembrance of God's agape love for us. An attitude of thankfulness for all of life develops. We are able to see and concentrate upon the positive qualities and attributes of our spouse, which we might overlook or take for granted. Our mind-set and attitudes can be refocused because of the presence of agape love. An attitude of appreciation causes us to respond with even more love toward our spouse.

If you're in a relationship with someone now, consider these questions: Can you be happy with this person if he or she never changes? Are you loving the person you have now or an imaginary dream? And can you be happy with this person if he or she changes in ways you never dreamed of? A love with its roots in commitment will last through the pressures and pain of life's disappointments.
Since agape love is the heart of the marital love relationship, let's think some more about this gift of love. Agape love is a healing force. To demonstrate the power of this love, let's apply it to a critical area that affects marriage: irritability. Irritability is a barrier, and it keeps other people at a distance if they know it is present within us. It is the launching pad for attack, lashing out, anger, sharp words, resentment, and refusal of others' offers to love us.

Agape love is unique in that it causes us to seek to meet the needs of our mate rather than demanding that our own needs be reciprocated. Our irritability and frustration diminish because we are seeking to fulfill another person rather than pursuing and demanding our own need satisfaction.

Let's think together one more time about your love. Since it is sometimes difficult to really determine if what you are feeling is genuine love, there are several tests for love. In his book I Married You, Walter Trobisch has suggested five of them.

The Sharing Test. Are you able to share together? Do you want to make your partner happy, or do you want to become happy?
The Strength Test. Does your love give you new strength and fill you with creative energy? Or does it take away your strength and energy?
The Respect Test. Do you really have respect for each other? Are you proud of your partner?
The Habit Test. Do you only love each other, or do you also like each other and accept each other with your habits and shortcomings?
The Time Test. “Never get married until you have summered and wintered with your partner.” Has your love summered and wintered? Have you known each other long enough to know each other well?
Here are four additional tests from another author:
The Separation Test. Do you feel an unusual joy while in the company of each other? Is there pain in separation?
The Giving Test. Love and marriage are giving, not getting. Are you in love to give? Are you capable of self-giving? Is this quality of self-giving constantly evident?
The Growth Test. Is your love dynamic in its growth? Is it progressively maturing? Are the characteristics of Christian love developing?
The Sex Test. Is there a mutual enjoyment of each other without the constant need of physical expression? If you can't be together without petting, you don't have the maturity and love essential for marriage.

Let's go back to one of the questions I mentioned at the beginning of the chapter: “Why do you love your fiancée?” Consider these reasons one man listed:

Reasons Why I Love Joan:

Because her educational standards are high. I am of the realization that these standards will be instilled within our children.
Because Joan perceives life with such profound insights. She appreciates God's creation.
Because Joan makes a conscious and earnest effort to please others, even before herself.
Because Joan is able to meet my physical, spiritual and emotional needs. Physical, in that she is able to give warmth and comfort; spiritual, in that she is able to add biblical insights into everyday situations; emotional, in that she is able to be empathetic toward my sensitivities.
Because I have the freedom to share my most inward feelings, knowing that I will not be met with rejection, but rather, knowing that Joan will make an earnest effort to understand.
Because she values me. She appreciates my warmth and understanding. She appreciates my efforts to comfort and console her. I love being appreciated.
Because Joan has learned, and is continually learning, the art of submission without the threat of subserviency.
Because Joan accepts me for who I am, knowing my imperfections, and just as importantly, she is able to constructively work with me to my betterment.
Because I really enjoy her company. I enjoy walking and talking with her. We can talk about anything and everything.
Because she is open to growth and willing to change.
Because of her high moral standard, which will have a positive influence on our relationship.
Because of her extreme honesty.
Because I wish to give of myself to Joan. To be understanding, gentle, warm, empathetic - being able to listen with an open heart and arms.

Perhaps after all you've read about love in this chapter you wonder, “Is real love possible? How do I know if what I'm experiencing now is love?” Yes, it's possible, and hopefully this book will assist you in clarifying your future with another person. Love is also an act of the will. We choose to love in our heart and mind. Love means choosing what is right and best to do rather than what I may want or feel like doing. It is this choice that will keep many marriages alive. Love is not determined by our feelings. Nowhere in Scripture does it say to love others if you feel like it. We can't command our feelings. They come and go. They're like the tide in the ocean; they come in and then recede. Don't allow your feelings to be your guide. I've had a few people say, “My feelings of love for that person are gone.” The shock on their face is evident when I say, “Great.” Now they can learn true love, if they haven't already.